I realized that my blog entries are usually long. heh not long enough. This is the only place i can talk about my life other than myself.    wait... this is the same as talking to my self. owh well..

 

Changes, there's things in my life i want to change. But when the time comes, i'm the one who's afraid of changes.  I found out my quite a no. of my 'friends' are in new relationships or so.I've gone through this before, but it feels new to me. OF course i'm sad that i wasnt told bout it.. but.. i guess its rational. why would they want to talk bout it with me. i'll go blank anyway.. Sometimes i think the whole relationship is pointless.. but in this generation teens seem to cant live without them. I personally think i convinced myself pretty well since i was a kid that no boy would actually find me interesting enought to be his gf except that one guy but i think he did it cos he was also clueless. wth, he doesnt even talk to me now. which proves my point.

 

Looking out side of the kitchen window looking at my father drive away.. at 9pm, obviously going to meet his friends. I see this seen everyda(when he's home) it sitll makes me sad. one particular flashback when my dad went to limbang with his friend. my whole family knows what he does there.. I was still a kid. My mum was mad, i was too. My mum had a plan to make it look as if we went out, so when he went home, he'll have to sit outside..all alone. but that didnt happen. my mum backed out. i was mad but i couldnt do anything. he's my dad.. even if he doesnt pray or fast or do any other religious things and drinks, smokes all the time and so on.. I grew up thinking of all the flash back. i cant stand it anymore but what am i saying i'm not that good anyway, i lie all the time, and cheat myself.

 

speaking of cheating.. makes me think of all the teacher lectures. every single one makes me feel like crap. but i cant put myself to working hard. i'm lazy and i dont do anything bout it. like right now i;m supposed to be learnin bio for tomorrow. My grades are going down and its not because of relationships. I hate knowing that shaherwan is beating me in everything. URRGH! why do i hate the thought of him being more smarter, louder, sosially more exceptable, plain much better than me! Yet i cant make myself hate him. I realise nowadays i'm sadder, cry more,gloomier, weaker and gone to be quiet again. i dont know how to be myself anymore, i dont even know which me is myself. The crazy hopping around playing with herself girl? the gloomy,weak, keep everything to herself girl? the bossy, mood swing, need anger management girl? i seem to be lots at different time..

 

others: my sister is goin to be here for a while tomrrow. My mum is asking me if i want to go to kl and skip schoool next sat and monday to attend a wedding there. I so want to but i'm scared of skippin, I need to turn into a shopper! i cant get mself to buy anything. which is bad since i need a  new set of clothes, school shoes, testpad! and so on. sheesh. ikeep thinking i'm going to waste money. typical me, my parent like to spend but i cant eve by anytin other than food! i never get any of their good characters. i cant seem to use music to be happy much since i hear that thing every single day. you'd think i'd memorise the lyrics by now. so wrong. plus i need to lose weight! but eating seems to be the only thing that keeps me distracted. i want to talk to my friends like i used to. other than school stuff i dont seem to have any thing to talk to them bout nymore... i used to know more bout my friends than this. my friend has  a bf and she's not even tellin me. sadi sad sad. one last thing.. note to self stop the habit of saying yes mam and yes sir to your parents!

 

 

About 3 more days for my daddy to come home. YAY!! mish mish mish him loads. That'll end. when he come's home, he'll start fixing things all around the house and goes out everyday to lepakz with his friends.. *sigh* I want him to talk to me, ask what i've been up to and stuff. I bet he doesnt even know a single one of my friends.

 

Once my dad goes home.. then my sister will start taking classes in igs bandar! she'll leave me all alone here with my bro.. Who will i randomly talk to about school and friends? i cant talk about all those stuff to my bro.. That's life eh. i cant imagine how it'll be when we all grow up, would be still be together? what if we all went away to study and have our own life? Who'll stay and take care of mom. She'll be all alone with dad working for months. I dont want to leave my mum all alone having to wait around for my dad to come home. What if a miracle comes and i get a scholarship somewhere.. what will my mum do? or what will i do? i'm such a coward and dependant on other people even to pay at a cashier, i bet i wont even pass my interview.. How do i get stronger? I know i act like a little kid. I dont know how i'll live all on my own..Thats why i like to take trips and what not to see how i'll take care of myself. especially at the temburong trip. I did fairly well in that one. I wasnt that scared of the dark or nything. but i still want to know how i'd do on my own somewhere far away.

 

Thats why i was tempted to go to that singapore thing. We even get to go visit schools, i'm dying to look at how the schools are in singapore, i only get to hear stories from my cuzzies. But the cost is $500. I hinted on my mum, talking bout it here and there. I think she got the message. My mum said if it was $300, she would let me, but $500,no way.. :(

 

Tomorrow we have the signing of our records(parents day). I wish they did this like around next week. My dad would be home. I so want him to atleast sign one of my papers before i leave the school. I think he was around once but he didnt go, my mum came, he went lepak again i think, i didnt beg. Waa.. I dont want him to get mad at me though.. I never ask for much.. just show that i actually have a dad to someone. And then the explohunt thing.. I really wanted to join.. We were to late, the spots are full. I wanted to join in at least one more treasure hunt before i left that school. Owh well..

 

Ckgu Nuwai had left us with another assignment again. Another critical analysis just like the one she once did. Little Red Riding Hood. Is it really meant to be a child story?? Sigh. everytime we get a critical analysis, i get worried. I secretely like it but i'm worried that my opinion is not what teacher wants. I'm afraid she wont like it. Share1's lucky, ckgu nuwai once told him bout her critical analysis bout the story, he can just use that(rewrite it in his own way). He'll surely get a high mark. I wish i was one of the students that teachers like to talk to. I envy ian sometimes cause she almost all teacher seems so happy to talk to her. I dont have that.

 

My hair seems to be getting longer already. Since a kid, my hair is kinda like the only thing i'm proud of, people used to praise my hair as its soft, need and stuff. When my hair was curly it was kinda unattendable. you cant do much with it. Now my hair feels soft and managable again. I'm so happy.