My Brother's sick. He's been sick for almost a week. Not his normal usual fever. He hasnt been really eating. He just wont eat (and drink) For a few days now my mum has tried so hard to make him eat a little but he just wont. He cant eat he says. ._. Everything taste bad to him. He looks skinnier now and just now during dinner he looked pale. My parents are going to bring him to the hospital. It's late but to me he looks like he'll faint anytime soon ._.My brother's been in his room all the time. He's grumpy and everything bothers him. He came into my room this afternoon and layed infront of me on my bed and started talking. Just like good ol' days he comes into my room and try to talk to me when he's bored. And I'll be on the computer, half listening to him.I thought he felt better now but it's worst T_T. So yeah.. Hospital it is. Poor mom, she's been frustrated on how my bro just wont eat. She cooked most of his favourites from spaghetti to fried crabsticks. He barely ate any of them.

They're otw to hospital now. I didnt follow so I'm home alone at night. I hope he's okay. I hope he wont get admitted to the hospital.I hate it when they rush out to the emergency room. It's usually my dad though. Only a few times. Cos of his migraines at night. ._.

 

Hey blog.

My brain is tired. And things are just starting.

I'm scared. I cant scream or cry. I just cant jump up and down of excitement.
I just end up.... sitting there thinking.
Why am i so? Well i got a scholarship.

Here: copy and paste:

 

"gone home early to go to that talk by the government thinking that it's a motivation talk for all us rejected people. there were around 30+ students. we were told to sit down. the stage still had a sign sayin 'majlis kesyukuran bagi pelajar Pre-U1 yang dapat menyambung pelajaran di UK' which means something like 'appreciation ceremony for Pre-U1 students that get to study in UK' which my friend found inconsiderate since we didnt get the scholarship, they should've atleast closed the curtains to the sign. the attendance file was passed around and on top of the list of names says 'List of student who just got the DANA scholarship to UK' which i went O_O. the people standing at the sides were smiling and whispering. then around 10 minutes later the talk started by telling us how they had previously picked 20 students for the scholarship (obviously not us)the government rethought the decision and decided to reconsider all the other qualified students that applied but was not chosen. so all you students here are getting the scholarship"

 

There. just like that. Mar cried, i could only squeeze her hand saying 'Is this for real?' in a confused tone over and over again.

the remainder of the day seemed like 2 days to me. I slept at 1 trying to figure out what subjects to take.
Sitting here in my room thinking i wont be able to lean on my plushies anymore. I cant walk around the house hugging my bunny plushie. I wonder if i can bring that with me. >.<

 

Of course i have the medical check up too. It's on the 4th of August.

 

I'll be leaving.

leaving brunei!

I cried in the school's toilet today. Went up to find out how Lyana was doing but end up crying myself. Eqah was reminising and being all nostalgic. I wasnt even gone yet and she keeps on going 'I cant to .... anymore. I'll miss Eka's ......" T_T

 

Got the quit school application form. sigh Will quit next week i guess...

 

I havent been eating much. I do eat but i'm forcing myself to eat.

Even if you're nervous or worried, that doesnt mean you should let your stomach be empty right?

 

*puts ipod on dock and turn on the stereo.* off to nap, bye2~

 

 

Before i get kicked by Pipz for not updating...

 

Finally got my comment for my 3 minute speech:

 

A good choice of topic & it is a very common thing nowadays.

A very good introduction. You started of your speech by sharing with us your difficulty of thinking for a topic, and then you got help from your internet friends and this topic came up. Then, you proceeded by defining the meaning of internet friends.

Your speech body contents are very well-organised and I like your conclusion, that is, you ended your speech by giving advice such as, we won't lose much if we dont have internet friends.

Good time-management, & you were not entirely dependant on your text. Well done! Your projection of voice is loud & clear. Good eye-contact and body posture. And I can see that your self-esteem has improved.

Keep it up with the positive attitude

 

Cheers,

[teacher's name]

 

my comment: She's too nice. She took days just to start doing that comment and she clearly forgot somethings. like how i did not refer to my text at all. (was crushing the rolled up paper instead the whole time)

 

Doesnt matter. I know my self exteem has increased a lot. Still hard to approach some people but i'm getting better. =D

 

That was before today (and part of yesterday)

 

[deleted text]

long story short, self esteem down again. apparenly i need to fix my nose. Which i knew since forever but no one has actually said anything about. All of my sibs got my mum's nose. HAHA >.>

 

Prom. Pipz! i want to go. But i dont think i'll look good in a dress. or any dress.  Thought it would work a few hours ago but now.. maybe not ._.

 

Dont worry folks! Like my teacher said, i'll be back to being positive... tomorrow.

 

Other news: papa azrin's last day of school today. AWWWW have fun in UK!

                    Bro's sick, sister's sick. I'm not(yet). Alhamdullilah....

                    Koisuru midori is not that interesting of a movie -_-"

                    Unsatisfied with the ending of Battery

                  

 

 

Wednesday. The day of the week that seems sooo long.

I have maths test today. It was okay. Didnt ace it but i dont think i failed it too.

 

As usual, after maths is GP and i go crazy for the rest of the day. I thought we'd be working on that making essay qsn 14/15 exercise but instead, teacher started talking about 'Can brunei preserve it's culture when subject to outside influence?' On of the essay topics in out previous activity.

 

"Nursyafiqah asked in the last class a very interesting qsn: What is open minded?"She wrote that and some other points on the board.

"Anyone want to add anymore?" *looks at me*

 

me: opens mouth. close it again. Gila if i give anymore, i might get death glares thrown at me from the others cos they'd have to think about it. Shook head.

 

Teacher told us to write our opinions down. Gave us a piece of paper. minimum one whole page. aha. 

me: smile the whole time. Eager to get that blank piece of paper. Result 1 3/4 pages full. XP

 

Shawn the whole time: Teacher, i dont know what to write down.This is awkward

 

Teacher: Dont think of it like an essay, imagine you're talking to the paper.

 

Shawn: That's more disturbing.

 

LOL

 

Chem practical was... okay. The practical part was easy
Now the answering qsn part...i dont know how to do a single thing
._.

 

----

What if i was shining bright?
Would you come to sight?
Like an insect to the light,
on a dark gloomy night?

-----

That was old, very old. just never been posted before cos it actually rhymes and sounds lame. :P

That's all for today. Nite nite.

(Personality defect test. Sociopath me XD)

The perfect ones in a drama usually end up with a small imperfection that's magnified to a larger scale on that ep/drama. Those that are rich and healthy have dark truths behind them, something that causes them to cry silently when out of majority's view. The poor victims shown contentment with what they have and there are moments where they'll break down too.

My dad works in the oil business, earning a lot a day. My mum's a housewife. She sells some home decorations, english country/roses style. She's a great cook and people think she has quite a knack in interior designing. I have two other siblings. The three of us are brought up in a free environment but we're like a plant stuck to the roots. Just nice aint it? We can branch out where we want but we're not let go completely. We choose to stay. My older sister is straying a bit far right now but i know she wont go too far but on the distance she's already now, I'm not sure what she'll do next. I'm a mix blood, well i'm not mixed in race but mixed in nationality. People see my family as great ( i dare not say perfect). My view? Not really.

I take consideration of my family's misfortunes and stories. The fact that my dad's family has a history of asthmatics. no i dont know if that's really a word. My mum's family has bitter backtalking and rebels. Nothing's perfect. Since young as i dont react/ overreact unaccordingly, my mum would tell me stories. I want my parents to trust me but I've never told that the stories hurt me in a way. Like that episode in Lizzie Mcguire where Lizzie's mum started talking to her and told her, her grandparents werent in that good of terms. Shocked and disturbed she got. I know my family's previous financial problems, my dad's old stories and behaviours, dad's old mistress, mum's backstabbing friend, etc.

When visitors or relatives come, the quiet me pretending to clean up or do my own work would get to listen to their stories. Sitting there in the kitchen i'm listening about the ill treatment my aunt gets from her family. The dilema's of an adopted child. When... Oh wait. My intro is a bit too long. SKIP!

--

"Let's pretend to be happy"

It was a sentence in my bestfriend's blog. Funny huh? Something so sad sounds crystal clear to me. Everyone's bound to resort to pretending happy. A spoilt child like me has done that thousands of times. Letting a few tears drop then wiping them away and jumping around acting happy when someone walks in or holding it back and getting a major headache afterwards.

"Crying need not be a bad thing"

This was in one of my online friend's nick. Agree with it 100% Partly because holding the tears back gives me headaches. Partly because crying it out can help ease the heart and mine. Crying buckets make me want to punch myself/the person into reality. Reality bites. We just have to live through it in a way that the glass seems half full rather than half empty.

"So what if I'm a fangirl?"

That isnt a quote. It just came to me a minute ago. Some girls like me (and some boys apparently) fangirl. It keeps us happy. We go crazy sometimes but like addictions, if we control them, it's not that bad right? I'm ashamed of fangirls that has the illusion that they'll marry the person they 'admire' someday. I applaud the ones that works hard to just go their concert and see them perform. As long as we're still in touch of reality.

"What's lost is forever lost. When they come back, it's a miracle"

Even i cant help wanting something that's changed to go back to the way it was. I try to keep telling myself, just move on. It doesnt matter. Bend your body to that direction and fit in. You think you lost someone, try to get them back when it gets tiresome, just give up and go with the flow. I dont want to force someone to come back and be my friends. If something goes missing, cry/worry bout it for a day/two max and stop. When your favourite idol stops being the centre of attention or stopped working, keep them in your heart but not in your mind (and mouth) 24/7. They're gone. They're still in your heart and memories. Treasure what they once were and stop. Just stop. It's plain annoying to those when you whine, rant, etc all the time. One or twice is nice, 10+ is Ilksjlksjgsd.

"People lose interest"

No matter how much you love someone or something you tend to lose interest or decrease in interest. How much i hate people saying things like "I'll love you forever" "I'll never forget you" "You're the only one" "They're my favourite forever!" The fact is, forever doesnt exists. No matter how much you want to 'concentrate' on something or someone all your lifespan, you'll forget or not think about it sometimes. Eternal love may exist but the degree will never be consistent throughout your life. You're crazy about something this year, next year you may still love it but you're not 'crazy' about it. Marriage: you'll be with them for the rest of your life (assuming divorce is never an option for someone to take) you marry them cos you're head over heels about your partner but there's a point of time where you'll wish the other person is not there. Forever doesnt exist in anything.

(She's tired and shall continue her opinionated post next time)

Product of other people's sadness and worries burrying under her own. Eka just felt the urge to write her thoughts down. Some are just what she tells herself when she think she's being unfair/spoilt/plain ill-mannered. She was not sad but was just contemplating on things. Other views are valued since she doesnt mind debating when she feels it's worth the brain power.

in simple, everyone has problems, perfect people are not perfect, imperfection is good and normal. When you're sad, be sad but dont stay sad too long.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16th July.

Brother's birthday was yesterday. Happy Belated Birthday!

Today at school... Nothing much.
Physics - okay
Maths - okay....
GP- Boring since i just had to sit there and listen to presentations. Sadly to say almost all didnt stick to the topic given. They branched out and stayed there longer than they should. After every single one, i'd be asking "So...what was the topic again?" After that the teacher asking us qsns session. I talked. A lot! I didnt stop until i finally let Shawn continue. Sorry i know it was rude of me. But i was bored. >.< Lyana said it was weird of me to talk loudly to the whole class for that long. XD
Chem- okay. Mr Yeo makes me go ksjfskjsl  but i guess that's just cos I'm fussy and he's... klsjfslkjf

Should be doing maths. Have no motivation for maths nowadays. sigh.

 

P.S. I dont want the Sporeans to come. I havent cleared my room yet D:
My mum's acting like it's Raya. Cleaning everywhere >.>

 

edit: 8.33pm. It's quiet. No one's chatting with me. I think neis and pipah fell asleep that's why. Dont know what's the reason for Hichan. Owh well.. *grabs book and bring down to the kitchen* some time away from the computer might do me good

 

It takes spaghetti, ice cream, disney channel and my brother to cheer me up in 15 minutes.

 

I came out of the room rubbing my tears away and sounding 'cheerful' to my brother.

Went downstairs and ate.

 

I wanted chocolate, there's a whole bar of chocolate in the fridge but i was too lazy to break it so took a kingstons orange split instead.

 

I shouldnt tell the story to anyone again. That story got me trembling, increased heart beat rate and drained my energy. >.<

I shouldnt have told him. Even he didnt understand. I went through months enduring it and it wasnt easy. I know it wouldnt sound that bad when someone just hear of it but the experience changed me terribly. It as all done over the internet. sigh. Like i told him, i know i'm a bit traumatised.

 

I know to other readers this is confusing. There's this one episode in my life that i've bottled up. Something that scared me and worried me a lot but opened my mind. I told them to someone today cos i thought he'd understand. Guess i still have to find that person who would. This one's too lazy. XD

Yo!

 

It's 7.11pm right now, i want a slurpee!
(If you didnt get that, 7-eleven is a shop and i usually buy "Slurpee" a type of drink sold there)

 

I completed the Speaker's club course! When signing attendance instead of 14th July at the top, it had the word "Graduate" Yay!
I shall say i improved quite significantly. =D
I lied in my self evaluation form saying i didnt improve much >.< (sorry teachers!)
I cheated and didnt give a comment for Fatin and Nicholas. (sorry you two! couldnt think of anything)
As i dont tremble as much and i can actually think clearer infront of the audience.

The first few minutes there was terrible. I didnt feel so well. I felt like throwing up.
Charades helped a lot. I remember to breath in and out first before doing anything.
PRE-U1 won charades! XD

 

I fail as a grammarian. Full stop. Ah-er-urm counter is easier and more interesting to me. huhu
My 3 minute speech - nyeh. I didnt refer to my paper at all. Squeezed things out from my brain. I got a few laughs. *glares at Zafri for laughing at my topic when he asked in advance what it was*

 

Graduated! Now waiting for the graduation ceremony. huhu (cert giving in assembly i think. wasnt listening when mrs.karmini talked cos i was trying to finish my self-evaluation form.

 

I'm going to miss speakers club. And the people. Full stop.

Owh and waaaaaa nyasal inda makan the cakes, the chocolates, the food!  i only ate like one piece of cake, one piece of banana cake and drank like 1/4 of a cup of FnN grape cos i felt nauseous. T_T

 

=-=-=-=-=-=
No internet connection. This is written in advance.
=-=-=-=-=-=-

HSJ PV! (managed to download while the connection was on temporarily. huhu)

Was very very extremely disappointed that Kei seemed.. non-existent at the first half of the Vid. D:
But that was justified on the later half of the PV where Kei got 'sufficient' closeups =D
Daiki got quite a lot of closeups =D =D
Keito got like...3 blink-of-an-eye closeups >.>
Again. I love the dance!
Kei's and Hikaru's hair is..awesome!
Again..I love the dance and arrangement.
(the vid was yamada-yuya centric but the writer wont touch on that)
Overall: Daiki&Kei: Justice! (well it's a good as it can get. Writer thinks there's no equality in JE and never will be)
Hikaru: Thank goodness you're in the middle we can see you in the background often
Keito: *pats*
Yuto: Just enough
Yabu: a bit less than enough
Yamada&Yuya: too much!
Ryutaro: still better treatment than keito but less than kei. That'll give you a rough idea
Chinen: wasnt as much as i thought i would be. kinda dissappointed. >.<

 

7.36. Still no internet connection D:

 

8.50 Internet!

 

 

If you feel that you need to repay me something just be there for me and stick to being my friend. I don't need material possessions, i get that from my parents. I just want someone to talk to and share things. I dont need you feeling sorry or ashamed. I ruins everything i try to do for you (which isnt much at all) Be happy. You dont have to fake it, just rethink, maybe what you were going to be faking as isnt as bad as you think and you'll actually be doing them without... faking?

 

Eka here~ at 11.20AM about to do another recording. Recording what? well.. recording my voice. My speech. I dont know why i'm being so worked up on this. It's only a club thing. I guess it's that part of me that i havent completely lost from my childhood personality. I need to do thinks perfectly. At first it'll be about not losing face infront all the 'perfect' people. They're not perfect. they have flaws but to me they're more perfect-y than me. So ganbarimasu! I'll work my best and try to reach MY expectations.

I'm also grammarian. with Ayyub. No matter how many times people say he's humble and stuff. I'll think "I know! He's humble. He's kind and helpful. That's the bad part of it!" I've decided. Instead of seperating our work alternately like i always do with other jobs.. i think. i think i'll ask to work together. Work together on everyone cos i'm not confident enough.

 

Okay...Now for some light fangirling.

 

I'm in love with that dance =O
That "Your Seed" song dance.
Some people say the TnT people must've made it but i say no! It's so not gay-ish.
I wish i can do that.

For those that still dont know i love dance. I'm not good at dancing but i love to watch people dance. The music better be good if they cant dance to it or not i dont like it. XD (most of the time)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I talked to Neis and he's going to try to help me figure out what course i should take after A-level. Or at least what field i'm going to go to. I've been thinking about these things for a while now. I dont want to make last minute decisions and regret it for the rest of my life.

=)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why did you die on me. D:

The temporary replacement calculator...sucks..
Sigh

I'll just have to get used to it

until my aunt comes to Brunei and buys me a new one >.<

In the meantime...
Enjoy watching me stare at the calculator once in a while trying to figure out where the function i want to use is

XD